During the holidays, there will be many occasions for awkwardness. Politics discussions are a great way to create awkward moments. Awkwardness can occur when opinions diverge, estrangements persist, or behaviors are inappropriate. When you find yourself in a social situation without any script, awkwardness can occur. The situation may be new to you or catch you by surprise. You may not know what is expected of you or what part you play in the drama that surrounds you. This is a feeling of discomfort, self-consciousness and uncertainty.
I am a moral psychologist and philosopher interested in awkwardness. I would like to know how social discomfort prevents people from engaging with difficult conversations or topics. Even when moral principles suggest that people should be speaking up, awkwardness can prevent them from doing so. It can also be a good thing – by pointing out areas in which social norms have become outdated or lacking, it alerts people. When things get awkward, people tend to blame themselves. It’s not people who are awkward but the situations. They become awkward when you lack the skills to deal with difficult social situations. Awkwardness and embarrassment are often mistaken, but they are very different. The right way to deal with embarrassment, which is caused by a gaffe or personal failure, is to own up to it and then move on. You can either try to prevent awkwardness by anticipating it and preventing it from happening, or respond by developing better social scripts that will help you and others navigate the same situations in future.
I have written and researched a book about awkwardness, but it is not something that we should or can avoid. There are some strategies that people can employ to reduce awkwardness, and how they should deal with the situation when it occurs.
1. Knowing Your Goals and Your Roles is essential
Awkwardness thrives on uncertainty. Ask yourself, “What do I hope to gain from this interaction?” before you enter into a potentially uncomfortable or contentious situation. If you are clear about your goal for an interaction, you can better perform your part in the social drama. If you are worried that it will be awkward if your uncle begins his annual political tirade, consider what outcome you would like. You want him to be convinced that he is wrong. It’s unlikely to happen. You want your family to be less stressed? You want to have your views heard.
No, I am not saying that a little foresight will guarantee smooth sailing or that feelings won’t be hurt. It will make you more confident about your abilities to achieve your goals. Serving desserts could be a great way to divert someone who is looking for a distraction.
2. Awkward situations can make you feel very self-conscious. It’s both unproductive and uncomfortable. You’ll miss out on the other people or their signals if you focus only on yourself. Make sure to pay attention not only to your discomfort, but also the people around you.
3. Plan, coordinate and be explicit
Many people plan their social lives in great detail, but expect them to flow naturally. Like a trip or hike through the forest, sometimes it helps to have a plan when having a discussion. Prepare a list of questions or topics that you can use. You don’t need to do it all alone. You can ask a relative or friend to help you if you are worried about a certain topic or how a guest will react. Prepare in advance if you’re expecting to meet someone you don’t get along with – a family member you are estranged from, or an old friend who you ghosted. People can process their reactions through emails or letters without being put on the spot. It can be helpful to have a pre-planned activity. You don’t need to play a formal game, such as chess. Keep some simple tasks for your guests to do, such as putting the forks out on the table or shaking the salad dressing.
4. It’s OK to Laugh
When awkwardness strikes, give people an escape route. They will likely take it. It doesn’t have to be something big; it can be just a joke or a topic of small talk, and if the situation is desperate, you could even knock a spoon from the table.
5. Think of Alternatives.
You might be able to avoid uncomfortable situations by using these strategies. Take a minute to think about whether or not you want to. The result of uncertainty in social situations is awkwardness. It slows down the process and reduces confidence. Other emotions may take over in its absence. It can be liberating to have things in plain sight, but this can also bring out feelings of anger, sadness and frustration that are better left for other occasions. If things seem awkward, you should look around and see what the awkwardness might be doing. You can then decide what to do if that awkwardness disappears. Alexandra Plakias, Associate Professor at Hamilton College of Philosophy (19659020), is a philosopher. The Conversation has republished this article under Creative Commons. Original article can be read here.
